11.29.2009

Crissi Bubbz CSI: Tiger Woods

Todays episode: Par for The Course starring our favorite Caublacasian Tiger Woods


After a tossing and turning for hours, Elin Leighterhosen Woods heads to the kitchen for some warm milk only to find her husband Tiger snorting a bit of the Coka Ina. Elin is furious about Reports of Tiger infidelities and now- once again- he's tootin his nose. Frustrated with each other they begin arguing, Tiger grabs Elin by her arms & says "Look Bitch! If it wasn't 4 me you'd still be sniffing baby shit 4 a living! Get off my back!! go carve some clogs or summin!"


Elin, who talks with her hands bcuz she sounds like the chef from the Muppets,


scratches TDubb (thats what they call him in the streets) in the process. Since messing up a brothas face - even a ¼ brotha- is a cause 4 murder, TDubb collects himself & goes out to the escalader with Elin chasing behind him & screaming in Swenglish in the driveway. Tiger speeds into the street & just as the the coke hits him he let's go of the steering wheel to do that junkie dick rub thing and hits the fire hydrant then bounces into the tree.

Elin turns into still upset & grabs a driver from 1 of the 700 sets of golf clubs in the garage proceeds to the car with intentions to threaten Tiger. Seeing he's out of it, her anger turns into worry. She tries to break the window with the club to no avail...that was from the Wal-Mart set. So she goes back & gets an expensive one & uses that one to break the back window which she reaches through to unlock the front door & pull Tiger to safety.

THE END & YOURE WELCOME!!

10.16.2009

So F*CKIN WHAT?!!


So THIS hit the innanets this week & had everyone going bat sh*t crazy over the Alien princess. As you can see by the title, I- Me, Myself, Personally- could care less & actually, I’m quite afraid of this “comeback”. I’ve gotten used to seeing her “leaving restaurants” or “leaving *insert high end store here*” and THAT I can handle.

Her singing…not so much

Yes, it has been a peaceful year without new screeching music from the pop princess. My ears already numb to the sound of her past “hits”. So to know that there is a another audio assault creeping up on us makes me want to volunteer to be deported…wait…I was born here so I’d be reported? Moved? F*ck it – you get my point!

I am curious to know how she ever expects the “Alien” comparisons to stop when she pulls stunts like this:


rihannaWTF

I mean…WTF…nevermind…I’m not one to discuss a problem without a solution so I have some other career opportunities Rihanna could explore that don’t involve dog calling singing:

1. Model- She is a beautiful young lady *no Degeneres*, she’s always having her picture taken, & I’m sure the haute couture designers would be happy to have her in Lindsay Lohan’s place on the runway next year.

2. Author- Her dad was a crackhead, she spent hours in the studio with Jay-Z, on the road with Kanye, & THAT night with Chris Brown…the world wants DETAILS!!

3. Hairstylist…nevermind

4. Mime- She hasn’t made a statement publicly about THAT night with Chris Brown so we know she can keep her trap shut, she could continue with that course of action.